Down, Down, Down...That Lovely Sinking Feeling

The sun is shining today. I sit in my rocker and gaze out at the bare tree branches against the clear sky. It's dangerous to sit here, still in my pajamas and robe, afghan over my knees. Too comfy, too tempted to stay just a few more minutes. Still, it's good to take time to just breathe, and ponder.

My friend Deb and I are studying a book together. "Tempted and Tried" by Russell D. Moore. Highly recommended. Last night, the section we were discussing talked about our sometimes desperate need to be proven "right". I suffer from this malady myself. But nowhere can we see it played out with more zeal and variety of platforms than on the Internet. Being a Christian, I find myself drawn to peek in on those debates having to do with the Faith. I can go off in half a dozen different directions, and spend hours dropping in on discussion after discussion. It is a hook that pulls me further and further in, until I realize I am wasting too much time focusing on other people's opinions. Of course, at the bottom of all this is my own need to be right, to find others who share my own convictions and beliefs. I recognize this drive in myself, and  I am not happy about it.

There are SO many "Christian" debates, forums and blogs out there, some edifying and encouraging, others not so much. From time to time, I do pull away from them. Today I am at that point again. I feel a desire to skulk off, away from the cacophony of voices, and just meditate on Jesus. It's so easy to be distracted, so easy to major on the minors, so easy to neglect that one thing, that personal relationship with Him. In fact, it is often easier to follow the distractions than to get down to the nitty gritty of that relationship, because it will mean having to change, having to give up idols, having to admit that, after all, I am not "right" in some of my oh so highly and tightly held convictions. But in the end, it is the best thing.

This morning I read from Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest". Here is an excerpt from today's entry:

It is easier to be a fanatic than a faithful soul, because there is something amazingly humbling, particularly to our religious conceit, in being loyal to God.

Being loyal to God. Not to a denomination, or conviction, or creed, or cause, or perception of what the majority would say is "right". I have found that it is more difficult, because it means NOT being heard, not vindicating or justifying myself, not proving I am right. It means becoming smaller, saying less, listening more, and letting go of trying to find acceptance and approval in anyone or anything other than in Him. Funny thing is, the hardest part, letting go, leads to the best part; landing in that sweet realization that He IS enough. HIS love, HIS acceptance, HIS will. They really are all enough. So, down, down, down I go, sinking into the smallest place. At least for a while. At least for today.

Make me smaller, Jesus
Wipe my "self" away

Show me only rather
What You would have me say

Let me first consider
Before I start to speak

What You've said already
You, so mild and meek

Help me not consider
What man may think of me

Help me show them You Lord
So You,in me, they'll see