Still The Same?

I was going through some old notebooks last night, and came across this entry in one of them. At the time, I had been a Christian for three months. Thought I would share with you. (Keep in mind that I worked full time when I wrote this)

August 30/95

AREAS TO WORK ON

Organization of Time/Tasks
· Housework not getting done – laundry, cleaning, cooking
· Not enough quality prayer time/study time
· Not enough exercise time
· Not enough sleep (sometimes)
· Not enough time for people
· Not enough time for “would like to’s”
= Always feeling behind
= Frustration
= Anxiety


Sharing the Gospel

Being a Good Witness

Selfishness, Vanity, Pride, Laziness, Complacency, Doubts, Shyness
= Knowing I have a long way to go


HOW TO FIX

Stop procrastination – do something! Make a list of things that I have to do.

Ongoing:

Housework: laundry
Vacuum/dust
Clean bathroom/floor
Dishes/kitchen
Cooking/lunches
Shopping
Ironing/mending
Bills etc.

Personal: Exercise
Reading
People – visit, phone, write
Sewing/knitting
Time with kids/Dan

God: Prayer
Bible Study
Church

One Time Only:

Basement
Sewing/knitting organized
Clothes organized
Closets/cupboards organized
Carpets cleaned
Walls etc cleaned
Decorating (?)

August 31/95
Today I really wanted to begin to be organized. If the 4 things on my “to do” list, I completed one, and half completed 2. I guess it is a step in the right direction just to make a list. I will try again tomorrow. Having the desk to read and write at really helps.

Work was unusually hectic………I wanted to be calm and efficient, but as usual I ended up feeling rushed and frazzled. No doubt the result of trying to do things on my own, as usual. Today I got into gossip again, and I should have stayed to help Donna with the faxing, but I wanted to get to the 4:45 class at the gym, which I didn’t enjoy a whole lot. But I need to exercise if I want to lose this extra weight.

I hope that this writing every day helps me. I just feel so rushed at work, that when I get home, I don’t even want to think. Tonight I didn’t do much. Katie is going camping, and I don’t want her to go, of course. But I have asked God to keep her safe. Worrying is a hard habit to break. I know I need to spend more time in prayer, and would like to do it in the morning, but can’t make myself get up. Something else to pray for.

Today, as usual, I tried too much on my own, and didn’t trust enough. Something else to pray for. Will try that idea of using index cards.

Dear God: how could any of us even begin to comprehend Your greatness. You know every thought of every person. You have our lives planned before we are born. You can do all things, made the universe, control everything. Yet you still love us so mercifully and patiently. There is nothing or no one to compare You to. You defy description. I am constantly amazed at what you have done for me. That you care so much, have so much patience, when I am continually failing. The harder I try, the more I fail. I am sorry for trying on my own so much, trying to understand and figure things out. Deep down I know you are in control and have a perfect plan. Why must I be so stubborn? My heart wants to bend, but my feeble human mind still clings to the ridiculous notion that all I have to do is try harder and I will have it conquered. Why can’t I just look back and see what you did, and realize that if You can do that for me, You will of course be faithful to follow through. I am so thankful. Thank you for showing me the way. Help me in all these areas. You know that they are. I want to know You more. I am so grateful to you, Jesus.


Reading this now, and typing it out, I could weep. Because of how pressured I felt back then to “perform”. Because I was my own worst enemy. Because, truth be told, I haven’t changed a whole lot. Because I could write all the same things today. In fact, I could add quite a few items to the list. I’m still not organized. I still beat myself up for it. I still am making lists that are impossibly long. I am still making new resolutions, on a regular basis, to “do better.” I am still aiming for a bar that I set myself. And it makes me sad (no wonder I’m depressed!)

No doubt you smiled at the picture of a new Christian trying to “get it all right.” I was quite naive back then. I don’t know what my excuse is now. Seems I am still trying to get it right. I am still apologizing to God, yet knowing that I should rest in His grace. Old habits die hard.